The Disappearing Dad

You have heard me talk about the impact that our father-daughter relationships have on our lives as we approach womanhood. It never ceases to amaze me of how many of my clients didn't realize that their father-daughter relationships were the driving force behind much of their beliefs, thoughts and behaviors. Why would they know this?

This is a topic that is not discussed in open forums and rarely discussed in private. It would be safe to believe that a fatherless daughter was an urban issue. That she was some poor little African American girl who grew up without her daddy around. But let me paint a different picture for you, one that I see regularly.

This fatherless daughter is a well-dressed, articulate, successful, educated, upper middle class woman who grew up with her father in the home with her. She comes from a well respected family, background and history. She had a great relationship with her father, and don't believe there were any real issues between them. Right?

Well not exactly. While daddy was a good father, he worked very hard and it didn't leave a lot of time for him to spend quality time with his daughter. Much of her care taking came from mom. Daddy provided well for the family, but he was always gone to meetings or working.

Research has proven that if a father doesn't emotionally bond, connect deeply and show lots of unconditional love for his daughter, it will impact her life as she becomes an adult. The Disappearing Dad, is what we will call this father.

We tend to think about "The Disappearing Dad" as one who abandoned us and was not there for us. While this is true for a lot of us, the impact of a father in the home and not emotionally available to his daughter for whatever reason, has far more consequences in her life once she approaches woman hood.

A Disappearing Dad is one who finds it difficult to connect and bond with his daughter on a deeper level, he is incapable of demonstrating unconditional love towards her. Whether he was present or absent, this can cause real issues for the daughter later in life.

It is important I make it clear that I am not out to bash fathers. This is not my intention. I merely want to bring to light the impact of one of the most important relationships in a girl's life and how it will impact her and become the compass for how she interacts in her relationships with men and money. The impacts are derived from your father's love patterns and love styles.You don't become aware of the affects until they surface within your relationships.

For a woman with a Disappearing Dad, you may find it difficult to connect deeply in your relationships. You are afraid of getting too close, you are defensive and tend to guard your heart.  You tend to be private and hold your emotions inside. Your daddy wound becomes "I'm invisible and I don't exist in my daddy's eyes." Your greatest need is connection but your greatest fear is being rejected and your controlling belief is "I will get hurt if I get get too close."  While on the surface you may not be thinking this, but these beliefs will affect your relationships with men and money.

Let me remind you that a fatherless daughter come from diverse background and they come from various ethnic backgrounds, economics and religions. Be careful not to stereotype them, because you may just be looking at one in the mirror and not realize it...and there is danger in not knowing.

Stay tune for next month as we discuss the "Disapproving Dad."

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