You have heard me talk about the impact that our father-daughter relationships have on our lives as we approach womanhood. It never ceases to amaze me of how many of my clients didn't realize that their father-daughter relationships were the driving force behind much of their beliefs, thoughts and behaviors. Why would they know this?
This is a topic that is not discussed in open forums and rarely discussed in private. It would be safe to believe that a fatherless daughter was an urban issue. That she was some poor little African American girl who grew up without her daddy around. But let me paint a different picture for you, one that I see regularly.
This fatherless daughter is a well-dressed, articulate, successful, educated, upper middle class woman who grew up with her father in the home with her. She comes from a well respected family, background and history. She had a great relationship with her father, and don't believe there were any real issues between them. Right?
Well not exactly. While daddy was a good father, he worked very hard and it didn't leave a lot of time for him to spend quality time with his daughter. Much of her care taking came from mom. Daddy provided well for the family, but he was always gone to meetings or working.
Research has proven that if a father doesn't emotionally bond, connect deeply and show lots of unconditional love for his daughter, it will impact her life as she becomes an adult. The Disappearing Dad, is what we will call this father.
We tend to think about "The Disappearing Dad" as one who abandoned us and was not there for us. While this is true for a lot of us, the impact of a father in the home and not emotionally available to his daughter for whatever reason, has far more consequences in her life once she approaches woman hood.
A Disappearing Dad is one who finds it difficult to connect and bond with his daughter on a deeper level, he is incapable of demonstrating unconditional love towards her. Whether he was present or absent, this can cause real issues for the daughter later in life.
It is important I make it clear that I am not out to bash fathers. This is not my intention. I merely want to bring to light the impact of one of the most important relationships in a girl's life and how it will impact her and become the compass for how she interacts in her relationships with men and money. The impacts are derived from your father's love patterns and love styles.You don't become aware of the affects until they surface within your relationships.
For a woman with a Disappearing Dad, you may find it difficult to connect deeply in your relationships. You are afraid of getting too close, you are defensive and tend to guard your heart. You tend to be private and hold your emotions inside. Your daddy wound becomes "I'm invisible and I don't exist in my daddy's eyes." Your greatest need is connection but your greatest fear is being rejected and your controlling belief is "I will get hurt if I get get too close." While on the surface you may not be thinking this, but these beliefs will affect your relationships with men and money.
A Disappearing Dad is one who finds it difficult to connect and bond with his daughter on a deeper level, he is incapable of demonstrating unconditional love towards her. Whether he was present or absent, this can cause real issues for the daughter later in life.
It is important I make it clear that I am not out to bash fathers. This is not my intention. I merely want to bring to light the impact of one of the most important relationships in a girl's life and how it will impact her and become the compass for how she interacts in her relationships with men and money. The impacts are derived from your father's love patterns and love styles.You don't become aware of the affects until they surface within your relationships.
For a woman with a Disappearing Dad, you may find it difficult to connect deeply in your relationships. You are afraid of getting too close, you are defensive and tend to guard your heart. You tend to be private and hold your emotions inside. Your daddy wound becomes "I'm invisible and I don't exist in my daddy's eyes." Your greatest need is connection but your greatest fear is being rejected and your controlling belief is "I will get hurt if I get get too close." While on the surface you may not be thinking this, but these beliefs will affect your relationships with men and money.
Let me remind you that a fatherless daughter come from diverse background and they come from various ethnic backgrounds, economics and religions. Be careful not to stereotype them, because you may just be looking at one in the mirror and not realize it...and there is danger in not knowing.
Stay tune for next month as we discuss the "Disapproving Dad."
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Also, please leave your comment below...we want to hear from you and start a dialogue about this most important topic of Fatherless Daughters.
I am father without a daughter, meaning I pay support, and I want to see my daughter, but choose to not to when the x makes it restrictive and instructs my daughter to say or do things to me.
ReplyDeleteThere is nothing more that I want than to have my daughter in my life; however the x makes too difficult. Sadly the court system is set up for mothers to pursue child support under the premise of childs best interests, and then only allow limited and visits that are restricted. "Children learn what the live with" by Dorothy Nolte defines these daughters. Almost all fathers pay child support, and the ones that don't pat, really don't have the money anyway. The real truth is that mothers have been mislead into thinking that support payments is what makes a difference in their daughters lives, and it is not true. The truth is a double whammy, in that fathers give up with trying to see their daughters because of the ongoing court costs while x has the intention of making sure I will never be the father. As well, these daughters learn form their mothers indirectly or directly, how to old grudges, how to use the silent treatment, how to play the victim, how to live in fear and how to use these as weapons in court. Goto fatherlessgeneration.com Mothers and the courts need to realize that child support payments will never replace the father and the statistics will speak for themselves. Child support is being paid 90 % of the time yet children who grow up without fathers are more likely to run away from home, commit suicde, drop out of school, get lower grades, get pregnant, and so on. Take money out of the equation and mothers and fathers will choose to do what is best for their children.