It has been said that the father-daughter relationship is the most important relationship within the family structure. I am no expert on the dynamics of the family structure and do not claim to be. But I do know that the impact of having an unavailable father for a girl can have grave consequences on her life as she approaches adulthood. When this happens, it can and does affect her own family dynamics because she now becomes nurturer and care giver for that family.
I define a fatherless daughter as a woman who grew up with an unavailable father. An unavailable father could mean that he was absent due to divorce, death or abandonment or he could have been unavailable due to being a work alcoholic, alcohol and drug addiction, or he simply lacked the ability to form any close emotional bond and could not show love. Whatever the reason, the life of that daughter will be impacted on many levels.
Every day, I speak to women from diverse backgrounds, from different places in the world who are now recognizing that their father-daughter relationship impacted their lives. Most of them had never really discussed this topic with anyone in detail until now. Why? Well I have my own theory, especially for the women in my generation.
Most of the women of my generation grew up in an era when daddy went to work and many moms stayed at home. Except for those who had single moms like me and I will come back to this point later. But on the most part, it was acceptable that daddy be gone for long hours to work and provide for the family. During these times, when daddy was around, it was normal for the father to be much more involved with their sons than with their daughters. They normally left the task of providing the daughter's role model to the moms. They didn't talk to the daughters as much as they did their sons. They didn't get to know their daughters as much as they did their sons. They did not tend to view themselves as primarily responsible for their daughters primary needs, successes or accomplishments.
Many women of my generation did not see themselves as having issues with their fathers, because this scenario was the norm in the family dynamic and structure. They never expected to be close to their fathers. Now back to those of us who never had our fathers around, many of our child hood friends were in the same boat. Most of my mother's friends were single moms and their daughters were my play mates. So when your immediate surroundings are similar to yours, this becomes normal. Therefore, having a father or not having one was never up for discussion or an issue, so we thought.
Fast forward to today's generation where social change has allowed for young girls to be involved in sports and activities in which their fathers can now identify, we are now seeing more and more fathers becoming very involved with their daughters. These changes are allowing dads to be more involved with the day to day nurturing towards their daughters. And also because of the increase in the numbers of children being born outside of marriage and the shame factor being (regretfully) removed from this, more and more baby daddies are getting involved in their daughters' lives.
But what about the women of my generation? The notion that fathers are not normally very close to their daughters explains why so many females described their father-daughter relationship having been okay and they didn't think they had any fatherless daughters issues. But now that we are having this collective conversation, these women are now beginning to understand that it was not "normal" to have a distant or unavailable father.
I believe no matter the reason a father is unavailable and did not form a close, loving relationship with his daughter, this failure to do so has predictable consequences on that daughter's life as an adult. There are two distinct things that a girl must receive from her dad when growing up: unconditional love and security. When a father makes it clear to his daughter the he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception. When he shows his approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence. The second thing he must do is make her feel secure. She must feel that the world is safe and that those who love her are dependable and that her needs can be met. When this doesn't happen, her trust factor becomes an issue throughout her life.
As adults, we fatherless daughters begin to judge our success in life based on the money we earn and the love we find. When neither exist at all in our lives or only for just a short spans, we begin to feel unwanted unsafe, insecure and rejected. There begins the making of a fatherless daughter.
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Thank you soo much for this article! My father passed away when I was 4 years old in a car accident and it's been the hardest thing ever growing up without him. Throughout my childhood I couldnt figure out why I always felt the way I did and I was too young to realize that it was because of his absence. I'm now 24 years old and what you said about money and love is so true. I work 2 full time jobs and go to school full time in an attempt validate why I'm here. I feel like if I don't have money or in a "relationship" I'm basically useless. Because of this weird mindset, I've found myself in a few less than desireable relationships. Again thank you for this article and it's good to know there are other women out there that understand what I go through.
ReplyDeleteSusie, I really do understand what you are going through and there are lots of us out here...stay connected with us by joining our Lovestorywomencircle.com and learn more about how to release the pain of the fatherless daughter syndrome...thanks for sharing your heart secret
ReplyDeleteMy parents are getting a divorce but my father moved across the country seven years ago. It's hard for me to have any type of bond with someone. I'm 17 and my father has been an alcoholic and abused my mom from the time I was born until I was ten when he moved away. He was a fully functioning alcoholic but was very stupid on how money was spent. We ended up having to four houses into my current house now. I would like nothing more than to be close to him despite all the turmoil he's caused. I try calling him and each conversation ends with "it's your fault you're feeling this way," and "why haven't you called me more often." It's hard to call when you end up in tears by the end of each conversation. I've very close to my mom and it's hard to not be blinded by hate for the way that he has disrespected her by cheating; and the way he has beaten her in a drunken rage. In relationships people have asked me if I had any daddy problems because of the way I've presented myself. Money is extremely important and in my current relationship it's hard for me to except that he doesn't have his own car and a job. Because of the financial situation my father has presented, I've been forced to help with bills and pay for my own costs. This has made me to value a man with money a lot more. I don't want to have a negative feeling towards my dad but I can't help it. He yelled at me over the phone, "to stop my bitching and get over it," when I asked why didn't he call me to talk about the divorce. Today it was,"why don't you make a list of all the things I've done to hurt you. Are you upset because I didn't get you a pony?" I want to but I afraid of at what cost the repercussion will be. They are getting a divorce and I don't want him knowing that I know as much as I do. I'm afraid that later it will come to bite me in the ass. Please listen to my story and tell me what I should do.
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