A Fatherless Daughter's Lost Cry in the Dark....My Heart Secret (Part 2)

I learned early, that if I were going to make it in life, I had to do it myself. I didn't grow up with a father to protect me, to provide or even to love me. He and my mom split while she was pregnant with me and later divorced. My Heart Secret was to never allow anyone to know how not having a father in my life made me feel less than human. I felt as if I did not belong anywhere. I was always afraid of being found out, of being rejected, not liked or even accepted. I carried this wound like a woman carrying a baby, yet I could never give birth to it; I could never release it.

As I began to come to terms with the impact of how not having my dad in my life had affected me, the process of healing began. I now understood my desperate need to be loved, to be re-assured, and my fear of abandonment. I also understood why I could not actually fully connect with my mates or have a deep intimate and lasting relationship. Finally, I understood why I could not find true love. I did not recognize it.

I really did not know how love looked. How could I? I never saw love demonstrated to my mother by my father nor was it ever shown to me by my father. Then I went to church and the minister told me that God was my Father. However, I had difficulty receiving love from a God I could not see, feel or hear, as it reminded me of my father.

Now, here I was divorced, just like my mother, my grandmother and now my daughter would have to live without her father. We were 4 generations of women who did not grow up with a father. The only common denominator for the women in my family not being able to sustain a lasting relationship was that we were all fatherless. I had to prevent my daughter from repeating the same cycle. I want to prevent all women from having to live this hell!

As I began my search for answers, I no longer saw my life through tainted lenses. Love for me became very clear. I read everything I could get my hands on about self-love, God's love. I prayed, meditated and connected to Love's Power Source. I discovered a loving Creator who would teach me about true love through my daily experiences, the people I would meet, the mistakes I would make and decisions I would face.

As the thoughts about myself began to shift from shame, guilt and pity, to awareness, love and respect, my belief system also began to change and wouldn't you believe, my love story was unfolding. However it was not with a man, but rather with myself. Loving myself would afford me the ability to truly love another from my deeper self, without fear of rejection or abandonment. So many of these lessons I have come to learn.

Soon I would discover that I was not alone on this journey. Many of my sisters, women from all walks of life, also grew up in fatherless homes or homes in which the fathers were seldom available, emotionally unavailable. As I began to do research on this subject, I also discovered this epidemic was growing out of control and no one seemed to really notice. There is so much data to support the adverse, negative effects on the lives of women who grew up without fathers. It breaks my heart to know that there are millions of women and daughters looking for love who are not finding it because they have never learned what love truly is. In every woman there is that little girl who wants to be loved, adored and protected by her daddy! It's just that simple.