No Regrets!

I went in search of my biological father when I was 19 years old. I can remember the first day I drove 2 hours to his state to visit him. Boy was I nervous. I was met by a man who appeared happy to see me, but in so many ways he was very distant and allusive. Looking at him was like looking in a mirror, because I looked so much like him. It was a pleasant visit, not emotional, but pleasant.

We continued to write each other and occasionally visit sometimes. Our phone conversations lasted perhaps 3-5 minutes max. We had a distant relationship, not very close at all. My father was incapable of connecting with anyone, especially a daughter he never knew. I learned to love my father from where he was, but it just became too painful to be around him. Not because I hated or disliked him, it was just very difficult to get to know him. The subtle rejection was just too much. He would never write to me, only send me a few dollars here and there. The money was fine, but I needed his words. I wanted to hear him tell me what I meant to him, I wanted to have great conversation with the man I wanted to know so badly. But we never became the father and daughter I had imagined we could have been.

After my painful divorce, I reached out to my dad for some support and found none. Not because he didn’t want to, he just couldn't. He was not mentally or emotionally available to anyone. We drifted even farther apart. It was this year when I felt an urgent need to seek him out again. I had lost touch and didn’t know where to find him. When I finally located him, I was met with resistance from his family members who thought that I wanted something from my dad. My dad is now mentally ill and unable to care for himself now. I have been met by his family with hostility now I am being blamed for not coming around all those years. I cannot possibly understand how I am now the blame for my dad's own doing. I initiated all of our connections. I reached out to him, never he to me.

The story gets better. Now, his family is now requesting that I prove that I am his daughter. After all of these years, (47), paternity was never an issue. This is all coming down to my father's estate and his family thinks I want it. Yet, they don't understand that all I ever wanted from my dad, I will never get now. It is not his estate, it was him, it was his love.

I love my dad and I want to believe that somewhere in his ill mind he loves me too. For me that will have to be enough. I cannot and will not bring the past into the presence, but I will not create a presence that becomes painful or stressful. I will not allow his family to taint or mess with what I was able to create with my dad. Even if it was on a very small level, it was huge to me. I learned my dad had his own issues. Whatever they were, I was not the cause of them, but I understand them. I cannot change the past, but I can sure create a peaceful present. I lost my dad a long time ago and I had a small window to find him and love him. I am grateful for that opportunity. I celebrate the times we had together and the brief encounters. They will forever remain precious in my heart. For now I have peace and joy in knowing that the only thing I owed my dad was my love and forgiveness. Today he has both!