Sick, Betrayed and Broken

 I woke up feeling like I was in a daze. Had it all been a dream or was it really real? Did my husband really confess to cheating on me multiple times with several different women or was it all a dream?

When I gathered my thoughts and began to feel that pain in my belly, I remembered that it was true and it wasn’t a dream. Yes, when I confronted him the day before with what I saw, he had no choice but to admit the truth. It was a normal day, and I had put all of the kids down for a nap. My sons were 2 and 4 years of age and my daughter was 4 weeks old. I finally had a chance to take a long relaxing shower.  And that’s when it all happened.

It was in the shower that I had another open vision. I now understand this gift that I have, but for years, I didn’t. There are times when I least expect it, that pictures of things, people or places will just flash before me as if I am looking at a movie. I can see things and know them. I have now learned to appreciate and embrace this gift…this knowing.  Well on that particular day, as I was taking my shower, I saw my husband with another woman. I could see her face, how she looked and what they were doing. I had never seen this woman before. I was stunned and I asked God, what should I do with this information? I heard in my spirit to just pray. I did pray, but I also confronted my husband when he came home from work.

As I shared with him what I saw and I described the details of what happened, and  how the woman looked…his face appeared as if he had just saw  a ghost. He was so fearful, until he broke down and confessed every single infidelity. I was crushed. So crushed until I immediately rushed to bathroom and vomited all evening and I cried myself to sleep.

 The next morning, after realizing it wasn’t a dream, I had to decide what to do. I couldn’t tell anyone, and I didn’t know if I wanted to leave him. Where was I going with 3 small babies, no money and no self esteem or self worth? So, I kept it all to myself and pretended everything was well. I had learned over the years to wear the mask of pretence.

 Over the next few weeks, I began to  feel sick in my body. So I went to the doctor and they ran a series of test on me. The final diagnosis was that I had Lupus. Now I am sick. Not only was I sick, but we were also financially broke. I couldn’t run my business and bring in any money, and my husband was spending all of his as he made it, trying to impress folks. I had reached a place of deep ,dark,  despair. But this was a place where only a Loving God could help me. And He did.

I spent the next few weeks totally emerged in prayer and  meditation. Reading everything that I could on the power of God to heal and restore. I was consumed with this task. I had a choice. I could pack up my kids and move back home with my parents, or I could allow God to transform this situation for me. I chose the latter. While I don’t encourage anyone to stay in a relationship that is filled with dishonesty or pain, I made a decision at that moment to remain because there was something bigger going on than what I could see with my natural eyes.  This was a lesson for me, one of love, conviction and commitment.

Here’s what I learned…..You won’t be committed and convicted, until you go through that experience and transform it……which is why these things are happening now around you…which is why life has shown up this way…. In this situation, I allowed God to show up and transform the situation. As a result…I went back to the doctors and they ran more test…there was no more Lupus and it hasn’t been for 26 years now.

 My husband got new job that doubled his salary and he began to bring his money home. I finally forgave my husband. I let go of the resentment. And nine years later, I divorced him. But the day that I divorced him, I loved him unconditionally with the love of God. I had no resentment, no ill feelings whatsoever. Had I left him those years before, it would not have ended that way. I would have been bitter and angry.  Now, I was completely free. God transformed me and that experience.

What experience in your life right now needs to be transformed? Are you willing to remain committed and convicted to allow God to transform it? Will you do your part to co-create the solution?  Or what do you think I should have done?  Let me hear from you below. Let’s chat, leave a comment.  

Who Will You Become in 2012?

We are all hearing conflicting predictions for the coming 2012 year. Some people are saying that is it going to be one of the worst financial years ever. Others are predicting it to be the year of newness and rebirthing. My question to you is, “who’s report will you believe?”

Will you believe the doom and gloom or will you believe the sunny, pie in the sky? I have chosen to believe what I know for sure. I believe 2012 can be the kind of year I choose it to be. Yes, each of us have the power within to create for ourselves the kind of life we want regardless of what is going on around us.

Most millionaires are made during a downturn economy. People will still get rich, people will still fall in love and get married. Babies will still be born, new businesses will still be launched, and people will still heal from sicknesses and people will still laugh and love!!

YOU are the only one who can determine how your year will look. We may not be able to prevent unfortunate things from showing up in our lives, but we do have the power to transform an unfortunate situation into something very powerful.

I would like to share with you 4  rituals that I have adapted in my life as I approach the ending of a year in order to prepare for the coming year.

1. First, I plan my days off from work. I decide how many weeks I want to take off for vacation, spiritual refreshing, or just to chill. I go through my calendar and mark off as many as six weeks. I also take a couple of weekends to attend few important networking and business events. I go through and decide what I want to do and where I want to go. I also go through the calendar and mark off all of my family’s birthdays, to be sure I don’t forget anyone because I want to celebrate their birthdays.
2. I decide on my “Bold Mo’ney Goal” for that year. How much money do I want to earn in my business as well as see come into my life. I don’t just base my goal on mo’ney that I can physically earn, but also on what I can manifest through my own giving and vibrational attraction in the Universe.
3. I develop my business blueprint. I create a blueprint  to match the  portion of my bold mo.ney goal that will be generated through my company. I have a detailed, step by step blueprint. I know exactly what I will be doing in my business the 3rd week in September 2012. I use a unique system that I created to do this and I will be teaching it in many of my workshops and coaching programs
4. Finally, I spend the final 10 days doing a daily ritual. I meditate, write,pray,  study my sacred texts and listen to God. Then I ask these  questions, “Who am I becoming?” “Who is trying to emerge through me?” “Who do I need to become in order to reach these goals?” It always amazes me of the answers I receive. As I get clarity on who I am needing to become in order to accomplish my goals, I listen also for what it will take to become that person.

It’s never what we do that keeps us stuck, it’s who we are being. Who do you need to become in order to generate more mo.ney, more love, more happiness, more health? How do you expand and grow? You need these answers. Because the same person who created the life you are now living will create the same thing next year if you don’t expand and grow.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this, and I know it may appear to be a little “woo woo”, but it has worked for me and I get to experience such an amazing life by allowing God to direct me and my path.

Remember, Live Authentically, Laugh Everyday and Embrace Love as a Lifestyle.

Let me hear from you, what are your rituals you use to prepare for the coming year? Who do you need to become? Share with us below!

Don't forget to become a member of the Fatherless Daughters Network.

The Disappearing Dad

You have heard me talk about the impact that our father-daughter relationships have on our lives as we approach womanhood. It never ceases to amaze me of how many of my clients didn't realize that their father-daughter relationships were the driving force behind much of their beliefs, thoughts and behaviors. Why would they know this?

This is a topic that is not discussed in open forums and rarely discussed in private. It would be safe to believe that a fatherless daughter was an urban issue. That she was some poor little African American girl who grew up without her daddy around. But let me paint a different picture for you, one that I see regularly.

This fatherless daughter is a well-dressed, articulate, successful, educated, upper middle class woman who grew up with her father in the home with her. She comes from a well respected family, background and history. She had a great relationship with her father, and don't believe there were any real issues between them. Right?

Well not exactly. While daddy was a good father, he worked very hard and it didn't leave a lot of time for him to spend quality time with his daughter. Much of her care taking came from mom. Daddy provided well for the family, but he was always gone to meetings or working.

Research has proven that if a father doesn't emotionally bond, connect deeply and show lots of unconditional love for his daughter, it will impact her life as she becomes an adult. The Disappearing Dad, is what we will call this father.

We tend to think about "The Disappearing Dad" as one who abandoned us and was not there for us. While this is true for a lot of us, the impact of a father in the home and not emotionally available to his daughter for whatever reason, has far more consequences in her life once she approaches woman hood.

A Disappearing Dad is one who finds it difficult to connect and bond with his daughter on a deeper level, he is incapable of demonstrating unconditional love towards her. Whether he was present or absent, this can cause real issues for the daughter later in life.

It is important I make it clear that I am not out to bash fathers. This is not my intention. I merely want to bring to light the impact of one of the most important relationships in a girl's life and how it will impact her and become the compass for how she interacts in her relationships with men and money. The impacts are derived from your father's love patterns and love styles.You don't become aware of the affects until they surface within your relationships.

For a woman with a Disappearing Dad, you may find it difficult to connect deeply in your relationships. You are afraid of getting too close, you are defensive and tend to guard your heart.  You tend to be private and hold your emotions inside. Your daddy wound becomes "I'm invisible and I don't exist in my daddy's eyes." Your greatest need is connection but your greatest fear is being rejected and your controlling belief is "I will get hurt if I get get too close."  While on the surface you may not be thinking this, but these beliefs will affect your relationships with men and money.

Let me remind you that a fatherless daughter come from diverse background and they come from various ethnic backgrounds, economics and religions. Be careful not to stereotype them, because you may just be looking at one in the mirror and not realize it...and there is danger in not knowing.

Stay tune for next month as we discuss the "Disapproving Dad."

If you desire to communicate with me, or receive complimentary coaching session with me, go to www.youactnow.info

Also, please leave your comment below...we want to hear from you and start a dialogue about this most important topic of Fatherless Daughters.

The Making of a Fatherless Daughter Part 1

It has been said that the father-daughter relationship is the most important relationship within the family structure. I am no expert on the dynamics of the family structure and do not claim to be. But I do know that the impact of having an unavailable father for a girl can have grave consequences on her life as she approaches adulthood. When this happens, it can and does affect her own family dynamics because she now becomes nurturer and care giver for that family.

I define a fatherless daughter as a woman who grew up with an unavailable father. An unavailable father could mean that he was absent due to divorce, death or abandonment or he could have been unavailable due to being a work alcoholic, alcohol and drug addiction, or he simply lacked the ability to form any close emotional bond and could not show love. Whatever the reason, the life of that daughter will be impacted on many levels.

Every day, I speak to women from diverse backgrounds, from different places in the world who are now recognizing that their father-daughter relationship impacted their lives. Most of them had never really discussed this topic with anyone in detail until now. Why? Well I have my own theory, especially for the women in my generation.

Most of the women of my generation grew up in an era when daddy went to work and many moms stayed at home. Except for those who had single moms like me and I will come back to this point later. But on the most part, it was acceptable that daddy be gone for long hours to work and provide for the family. During these times, when daddy was around, it was normal for the father to be much more involved with their sons than with their daughters. They normally left the task of providing the daughter's role model to the moms. They didn't talk to the daughters as much as they did their sons. They didn't get to know their daughters as much as they did their sons. They did not tend to view themselves as primarily responsible for their daughters primary needs, successes or accomplishments.

Many women of my generation did not see themselves as having issues with their fathers, because this scenario was the norm in the family dynamic and structure. They never expected to be close to their fathers. Now back to those of us who never had our fathers around, many of our child hood friends were in the same boat. Most of my mother's friends were single moms and their daughters were my play mates. So when your immediate surroundings are similar to yours, this becomes normal. Therefore, having a father or not having one was never up for discussion or an issue, so we thought.

Fast forward to today's generation where social change has allowed for young girls to be involved in sports and activities in which their fathers can now identify, we are now seeing more and more fathers becoming very involved with their daughters. These changes are allowing dads to be more involved with the day to day nurturing towards their daughters. And also because of the increase in the numbers of children being born outside of marriage and the shame factor being (regretfully) removed from this, more and more baby daddies are getting involved in their daughters' lives.

But what about the women of my generation? The notion that fathers are not normally very close to their daughters explains why so many females described their father-daughter relationship having been okay and they didn't think they had any fatherless daughters issues. But now that we are having this collective conversation, these women are now beginning to understand that it was not "normal" to have a distant or unavailable father.

I believe no matter the reason a father is unavailable and did not form a close, loving relationship with his daughter, this failure to do so has predictable consequences on that daughter's life as an adult. There are two distinct things that a girl must receive from her dad when growing up: unconditional love and security. When a father makes it clear to his daughter the he loves her unconditionally, just for who she is, he lays the foundation for her healthy self perception. When he shows his approval for how she looks and what she does, he validates her existence. The second thing he must do is make her feel secure. She must feel that the world is safe and that those who love her are dependable and that her needs can be met. When this doesn't happen, her trust factor becomes an issue throughout her life.

As adults, we fatherless daughters begin to judge our success in life based on the money we earn and the love we find. When neither exist at all in our lives or only for just a short spans, we begin to feel unwanted unsafe, insecure and rejected. There begins the making of a fatherless daughter.

We want to hear from you, please leave your comment below!

Does Your Heart Attack?

It starts out small. You feel a little frustrated and somewhat irritable. Then it happens. He says something that totally ticks you off and your shoe flies towards his head. You are screaming at the top of your lungs, the tears are rolling down your cheeks, your breathing is rapid and you feel the heat run past your ear lobes.

Now you are at a point of no return. You are saying things that you don't really mean. But what you really want is for him to hear you, for him to feel your pain. You want him to understand that he has hurt you and in some small way, you want him to hurt as well.

He gets angry and looks at you as if you are a crazy woman! He walks out and now you are alone once again. After curling up in a fetal position and crying your eyes out, you know that you may have pushed it too far this time. You feel the fear rise up within you and you don't know how to fix it. You can't breathe. You're crippled with fear that you are going to lose the relationship, or the job or whatever it was that you vented your rage towards. There's a feeling of sorrow that rises in you. And you say to yourself that you will not allow your anger to get out of control like that again.

Time passes. He comes back home or you don't lose your job. Now you can breathe again. Perhaps he really does love you, or suppose your job really does like your work. Then you feel a sense of relief...until the next time. Then the cycle repeats itself all over again.

Sounds familiar? I know this scenario all too well. There was a time in my life when my anger was out to control. I could feel it seething within me when triggered. I carried this rage within me and it took very little triggers to open up the flood gate of my rage.

Rage is a silent killer. It's like a fire and it can destroy everything in its path. It starts out small as frustration, then it turns to anger and if fed the right trigger, it will erupt into full blown rage.

But it was when I was pregnant with my first child, thirty years ago, that I knew I needed to get a handle on my temper. I didn't want to be a mother who could not control her anger. So I tried very hard to control myself and not give into the triggers. I used my "will power" to change it. So, I thought.

While I no longer erupted into outbursts of rage, I was now suppressing my anger and turning it inward on myself. My rage still manifested, but this time in the form of pain in my body, severe headaches, bouts of depression, constipation and anxiety attacks.

Not only does anger destroy relationships, it will also destroy the body. There have been numerous studies that prove anger can cause tumors, stroke, heart disease, and even cancer.

It was years before I realized what was happening to me. I had deceived myself into believing that I was now a calm, peaceful woman. Yet, my resentment, anger and rage were lying dormant beneath the layers of my false illusions, like a volcano waiting to erupt.

I soon discovered that I was a ticking time bomb and if I didn't release this rage, it would soon kill me.

My first lesson was understanding that you cannot eliminate anything until you get rid of the source...the root. Most anger arises out of a feeling powerless. It serves as a protective factor when we feel less than or powerless. And all of that comes from the root of fear.

But when we learn that we are never powerless and that we have nothing to fear, we can begin to face our problems from a place of love. Love is the answer to every question. Your anger and your rage are there because you have forgotten to love. I had to remember how to love.

Remembering to love required that I remembered who I was. I was a child of God, born from the pure essence of love. My journey to letting go of my rage was not an easy one, but surely a necessary one.

I have since identified the root cause of my anger and resentment. I learned to how to heal those wounded places. Please know this work cannot be done alone. And know that it cannot be done without God. God can heal the broken places deep within your soul. When God's love comes in, the anger goes out. My heart now no longer filled with fear, it is filled with love. My heart no longer attacks...it only knows how to love. Where love is...fear can no longer exist.

A Good Man is Hard to Find...Or Is He?

I often hear women say that a good man is hard to find. Then there are those who say that it’s hard to find a man who is comfortable with a powerful and successful woman. They say that men are intimidated by their success. While I can perhaps sympathize with this theory, I can’t say that I really agree.

First of all, there are very few things that a man is afraid of and a woman is normally not one of them. There are numerous of successful and powerful women who are experiencing beautiful and loving relationships with men who adore, admire and love them. But these women have discovered the hidden keys to making love work.

As I began to look a little deeper into this topic, I discovered the reason why so many powerful and successful women are having a difficult time in finding a real man.

Over the last forty years, women have made great strides in the workplace and in our careers. We have experienced as much success as our male counterparts and in some cases we have surpassed them. And we must celebrate this tremendous gain.

But somewhere during this era we have lost our sense of who we really are. We changed our clothes to look like the men in our tailored blue and black suits. We deepened our voices and tensed our faces so that we could be taken more seriously. We worked long tiring hours trying to prove ourselves and keep up the masculine pace. We wanted to be treated like one of the boys and when that didn’t happened, we cried discrimination.

In other words, we not only competed with the men, we became them. And while yes, we became what the world would deem as successful and powerful, but for many of us, it was achieved at a great cost. We gave up who we really are… our true feminine selves.

So when our “good man” showed up in our lives and didn’t stay very long, we automatically assumed that he was intimidated by our success. But in reality, he came looking for a woman (feminine energy) and what he found was himself (masculine energy), disguised as a woman.

While many women think there maybe times in their lives when they need to actualize their masculine energy in the workplace, it is important to remember that only your feminine energy and power will attract and keep a “real man.” It’s not your masculine, material power or success that a real man is seeking, it’s your true power of the feminine energy that he so desires and needs. Your masculine side has no place in your relationships.

Finding a good man is more about “being” than it is about “doing.” The masculine is active, the feminine is passive, the masculine is dynamic, and the feminine is magnetic. The masculine does while the feminine is. We want a masculine man, but we will never have one unless we become the feminine woman we were created to be.

Our real worth and our real power is not in our material power or success, it is in our feminine authentic self. A real man is not hard to find…but a real woman is.

Mind Stories vs. Heart Stories

"Our past are the stories that exist only in our minds, but our future are the stories that exist only in our hearts."--Angela Carr Patterson

All of us have these stories swarming around in our minds. Stories of rejection, stories of betrayal, stories of abuse and stories of fear. But are they really real? They become real as long as we continue to give them life. We give them life when we continue to remember them, to talk about them, and to re-experience them. And when we continue to give these stories life, we re-create them in our lives as well.

It's time that we begin to tell a new story. The stories that we carry within our hearts. Those are the stories that each of us want to create in our lives. Stories of forgiveness, stories of hope, stories of renewal, stories of abundance and stories of love. Our love stories.

As a Fatherless Daughter or a woman who grew up without her daddy playing a "real and significant role in her life, it can become difficult to tell new stories. Not having daddy to contribute in our lives can leave a void and an emptiness that we spend a lifetime trying to fill through creating a world of "false power." This false power can come in the form of relationships, career, businesses, clothes, cars, jewelry, money, food, drugs/alcohol and even religion.

We try to fill our lives with these things, thinking they will help us replace the old stories. But as long as we don't learn how to release the old stories, we cannot tell new ones and nothing in our lives will change. The only way to begin telling new stories, the ones that live in our hearts, is to release the stories that still exist in our minds. There are 3 simple steps we can do to begin creating a new story.

1. Change Your Mind.

The stories that remain in our minds are the ones that entered there based on experiences from our past. These experiences have formed beliefs systems that are controlling our current lives. If you want to know what your beliefs are, take a look at your current life’s circumstances. They are all a direct reflections of what you are believing. But at any moment you can begin to change your mind. You don’t have to believe that you will never amount to anything. You don’t have to believe that no one will ever love you. You don’t have to believe that you will never be financially wealthy. You can change your mind by replacing those beliefs with new ones. The ones that live loud in your heart. The ones that say, you are loved and you are lovable. The beliefs that say you can live your dreams and you can have, you can do, and you can be anything you want in life. Begin reading new books, begin taking new courses, begin going to new seminars. Saturate your mind with new beliefs.

2. Change Your Company.

Who do you spending most of your time with? In order to begin telling a new story, you have to surround yourself with people who are telling the same stories. They are people who tell stories of hope, renewal, abundance and joy. It has been proven that who you spend your most time around influences your thoughts, your choices and your actions. It may be time to take a good look at the company you have been keeping and change it now. Begin creating you a new supporting cast of people who will encourage and empower your life.

3.Change Your Talk

Our words shape our lives. What are you saying? Are you talking your life into a continuous rut? Your words have power. But not just any words. The words we speak from our hearts are the ones that have the most power. What does your heart say? Your heart will always speak love and life into existence. Why? Because, your heart is where God lives. Begin speaking from your deeper voice. The Voice of God will fill your mouth with words that bring abundance, joy, and love into your life. Be sensitive to this Voice and only speak that which you hear from Him. As you change your talk and speak “heart words,” your life will begin to take on a new story of its own.

We do have the power to change our stories. It is not an option any longer. It’s time for all of us to tell new stories in order to have a new life and in order to create a new world. We want to hear from you.. Share your new story below by writing a few short sentences. Your story will inspire others, so let’s share.